(Untitled/Wintertime)
This is the new bulletin board! I have been wanting to write for a minute now, but needed the pieces to fall into place. Feels good to use the word processor upstairs.
I’ve been portal-led into this year without my consent. For the first time in years, I’m not really sure what this season of life is for, nothing makes sense. I’ve been unemployed for the better part of six months; nothing is calling me outside of Tāmaki Makaurau, but life seems like a spiral inside of it.
But, if we’re spiralling, it’s outward. I’ve been outgrowing a previous self and letting a new one come forth, strong and thick-skinned. I’m basically wearing a uniform of loose jeans, t-shirts and button-ups, wearing the same rings, earrings, necklaces. Never wearing a bra, nothing feminine anymore. The themes are blue, red, grey and silver, soft and practical. I re-shaved my head which feels delicious, I let my acne scars breath every day. Having bits of ugliness, front and centre, are what makes each of us truly beautiful, truly ourself-s.
My navel-gazing time is beautiful and centred, walking up the Ōwairaka maunga, twenty books at my bedside. I’m writing poems on these bright yellow post-it notes that my Nana left behind when she passed; I put them on the wall when they’re good. I’m writing songs in my head until they make it out. I’m listening to full albums on the way to the supermarket or gym. I’m going to gigs with different mixes of friends each time and dancing until the last act. I’m studying te reo Māori which is such a privilege, my kaiako make me feel so welcome and my brain is changing all the time, understanding Aotearoa and te ao Māori better as the language structure sets in. I’m living with four close friends who I love to be around, I indulge my vices, I use up all the money the government gives me, this winter in Tāmaki has been clear skies and sun all day long. I used my tax refund on new headphones and stopped duct-taping the old ones. A health problem has fallen amidst my family, so I’m spending a lot of this beautifulwintertimewith them. I've been enjoying my parasocial relationship with Lorde as she prepares to release a new album this week, so I listen to all the music she's recommending on radio shows and podcasts. I’m scrolling are.na and saving artwork and words that change my brain, writing down whole paragraphs from books, treating the world as my internet and commonplace book. I’m lucky. There are days with zero optimism and full belief that the structures around me will disintegrate and the world will flood, but in my mind’s eye, most days, I’m lucky and trusting.
As for the future: I’m going to uproot our garden and enrich the soil with good compost for the remaining winter months so I can plant in spring, I’m going to keep at the gym regularly so I can fall into push-ups from standing and do a pull up, I’ll share my words and music. I miss being in love but that is outside of my control. I love falling asleep and waking up alone with my books and morning pages and music, so I guess I’ll keep doing that for now. I had a June full of friends visiting and staying with me, so now I’ll call my friends far away and reconnect. I’ll dream of a future and wait to see if it happens.
This email is coming to you from my new site. For this site, for now, there are two tabs: (in-person) and (out-of-body). (in-person) will be things I hold in Tāmaki, usually in my flat, things like meditations and dinners and gigs. (out-of-body) will be things created out of my body, songs and poems and longer pieces, one day. These kind of diaristic writings will stay on the home page. I’ll figure out how to use these things, send them to the right people etc. For now, I’m grateful you’re here!
From a new person,
& wintertime,
